Hobbit spoof
by Howl of a Werewolf
Summary: Comedy, of the popular best selling book, THE HOBBIT
1. Chapter 1

THE HOBBIT SPOOF

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><p>The story starts off when young Bilbo Baggins was sitting outside his house, smoking.<p>

Suddenly his old friend Gandalf happened by. "Good morning Gandalf" Bilbo said. "What do you mean by that?" Gandalf cried. "Oh boy" Bilbo moaned. "Do you mean good morning to you only, or as a insult or statement" Gandalf said, and went on and on about it.

"I meant it as a statement, and not a form of adventure" Bilbo said angrily.

"DID SOMEONE SAY ADVENTURE!" Cried Berlin, as he literary popped out of nowhere. Bilbo screamed in fear. And ran in his house. But all other dwarves where waiting at his table. "About time you arrived" Said Bomber. "Ya" Said Berlin said as he appeared beside Bilbo, as did Gandalf.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE!" Bilbo screamed angrily. Dwalin told Bilbo they were invited. "BY WHO!" Bilbo cried. "Some old guy, with a pointy hat" Dwalin replied.

Bilbo glared at Gandalf. Who was whistling in a, pretending not to be involved, type way.

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><p>LATER!<p>

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><p>The dwarves began singing a Bilbo mocking song. (real lyrics)<p>

_Chip the glasses and crack the plates!  
>Blunt the knives and bend the forks!<br>That's what Bilbo Baggins hates -  
>Smash the bottles and burn the corks!<em>

Cut the cloth and tread the fat!  
>Pour the milk on the pantry floor!<br>Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!  
>Splash the wine on every door!<p>

Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl;  
>Pound them up with a thumping pole;<br>And when you've finished, if any are whole,  
>Send them down the hall to roll!<p>

That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!  
>So, carefully! Carefully with the plates!<p>

"STOP MOCKING ME WITH CATCHY RYTHEMS, AND SONG LYRICS!" Biblo screamed. "Fine" Therin said. "Why did Gandalf invite you guys anyway?" Bilbo asked. "We answer your question in song" the dwarves said, and they began.

**The greatest adventure,  
>Is what lies ahead,<br>Today and tomorrow,  
>Are yet to be said,<br>The chances the changes,  
>Are all yours to make,<br>The mold of your life,  
>Is in your hands to break,<strong>

The greatest adventure,  
>Is there if your bold,<br>Let go of the mood,  
>That life makes you old,<br>To measure the meaning,  
>Can make you delay,<br>You've got to stop thinking,  
>And wasting the day,<p>

The man whose a dreamer,  
>And never takes leave,<br>Dreams of a world that is just make believe,  
>Will never know passion,<br>Will never know pain,  
>One who sits by the window,<br>Will one day see rain

"Wow, THAT WAS TERRIBLE!" Biblo mocked. "SCREW YOU!" Berlin cried angrily. "Besides I don't want to go on an adventure" Bilbo said. Gandalf hit Bilbo's head on his wand. "YES HE DOSE!" Gandalf cried. All the dwarves cheered and picked him up, like he won a football game, or something. They started carrying him away from his house, and the adventure began, other he liked it or not

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	2. Chapter 2

They began traveling for many miles. Bilbo kept complaining about how he felt like he will be home again, revealing his negative side towards new adventures and stuff.

After a while, they discovered a light in the distance. They told Bilbo to check it out. "There no way, I'm going over there" Bilbo snapped.

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><p>Bilbo began heading towards the light. When he arrived he found three giant trolls. Roasting Muttons and eating them. "Dameth, I'mth starved" Said one of the Trolls, who was named Tom. "Ya, youth said ith" Said the one called William. Beside William was a troll named Bert. "Excuse me" Said Bilbo. The three trolls turned their attention towards him. "Lookth, a visitor ith" Bert said. "Yath, lookth ath theth weth man, and hith moth foth wsriyth" William said.<p>

"What?" Bilbo cried confused of what he said.

William pointed to Bilbos hairy feet. And mocked him for it.

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><p>The dweaves where wondering what was taking Bilbo so long.<p>

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><p>Bilbo was tossed like a volleyball, as Bert and Tom, where playing catch with him. Until Bilbo managed to escape.<p>

Bilbo ran into the dweaves as they were heading over, to check on him. "There you are" Therin said. "GUYS THERES MAN EATING TROLLS BACK THERE!" Bilbo cried. "Really?" Asked Bomber. "Yes, they're over there, and they appear to be the only creatures speaking in the proper form of medieval English, in the story so far" Bilbo told them.

Suddenly Bilbo and most of the dweaves where grabbed by the trolls, and got tied up. Berlin was still standing, and was angry. "HEY! F*** HEADS!" Berlin screamed at them. The trolls turned there attentions to him. YA! YOU! YOU THINK CAN JUST GO AROUND EATING MY FRIENDS! You know what you assholes like! You like to _ and sh_ and _ and _ and _ and _!" Berlin screamed at the trolls. The trolls looked at each other as Berlin containued.

Reveals that all the trolls hear are small screak like sounds. "Whath youth thinkth he's doingth?" Willam asked. Berlin stabbed Williams's leg with a knife. William resisted and grabbed Berlin. "You die first" Willam growled at him. "You don't want to hurt him" said a voice from the distance. "Whath the hellth youth saying Tom" Willam said to Tom. "What?" Tom asked, as he was unaware of the voice. The three soon began arguing. Suddenly the sun turned Willam and Tom to stone.

Bert laughed at them, saying,"HAHA! YOUR STONE AND I'M NO-

He was cut short when he too was turned to stone. Gandalf appeared, revealing that HE was the mysterious voice. They found a small treasure room. Where Bilbo found his knife, that he gives Frodo in the future

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	3. Chapter 3

**Not much to do today, so I guess I'll continue :)**

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><p>Their journey eventually lead them into the dark and spooky mines of Mordia.<p>

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><p>They began sleeping. While Bilbo was sleeping. Goblins sneaked up to him. Bilbo woke up to see goblins looking back at him as if ome what courious about him. Bilbo screamed in fear, the Goblins did the same, and the noise made the dweaves begin screaming, EVERYONE was screaming. Until the Dweaves and Bilbo where captured.<p>

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><p>They were taken deep into Mordia. And met the Goblin leader.<p>

"OH GOD! WHY YOU SO FAT!" Bomber mocked him. The great Goblin ignored the insult. Bomber wasn't in the position to be mocking somebody's weight, because he's exactly THIN himself, but for some reason he did.

"Ser we found these intruders" said one of the Goblins. "And check out the Hobbits weapon" Said another Goblin pointing to Bilbos sword. "I think they are here to rob us" Said the great Goblin. Therin thought fast. "Not me, EVERYONE ELSE! Particularly Bilbo, he's insane" Therin cried. "REALLY!" Bilbo cried angrily. A Goblin took out a flameflower (god knows, how he got it). The Goblins where going to burn their prisoners. Unfortunately for them, their lack of most forms of commen intelligence had them end burning themselves with it. The great Goblin had it worst, and most of the fire was blown on him. The remaining Goblins panicked and ran off.

Moment of silence until Gandalf happened by. "WHERE THE HELL WHERE YOU!" Bifer cried. "YA! WE WHERE CAPTURED NO THANKS TO YOU!" Dwelt cried. "I have you know, I was off doing very important wizard like things" Gandalf replied.

_Shows Gandalf cuddled in a ball and sucking his thumb, a few miles away._

"Besides, I just saved you guys from the Goblins" Gandalf replied. "What the devil are you talking about, that wasn't you, they did to themselves, LITURARY!" Bilbo said. "The book itself sayed it was me, that burned them" Gandalf said. "Ya but" Bilbo started, but was cut short, when Gandalf screamed, "DON'T! JUDGE! THE BOOK!" The Bilbo and the Dwarves looked at each other in confusion.

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><p>Everyone was running out trying to escape. Bilbo accidently fell from an edge. And everything went black.<p>

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	4. Chapter 4

Bilbo woke up in a dark cave and soon discovered a ring on the ground. "LOST! I LOST IT! MY PRECIOUS IS LOST!" Called a voice from the distance. Bilbo placed the mysterious ring into his little pocket.

Bilbo ran into Gollum. "I got a game, If I win I you have to help me escape. What am I it starts with a H?" Bilbo asked

"Hobo?" Gollum asked. "No" Bilbo replied.

"Horny?"

"HA!, I wish"

"Happy?"

"Not really"

"Hag?"

"No"

"Hated?"

"How did you... I mean NO!"

"Horse?"

"No"

"HOBBIT! I'M AN F***IN HOBBIT! YOU MORON!" Bilbo screamed at him. "Oh" Said Gollum. "Can you help me get out now?" Bilbo asked. "I want another game" Gollum said. "Fine" Bilbo replied. Bilbo felt the ring in his pocket. "What's this in my pocket here" Bilbo said quietly to himself. "STRING!" Gollum cried. "What?" Bilbo asked. "YOU GOT STRING IN YOUR POCKET!" Gollum cried. 'Oh right' Bilbo thought. "Nope" he answered. Gollum began thinking of everything one would have in their pocket. He asked lots of guesses, but each one was wrong. Gollum seemed to have a very short attention span, and gave up easily.

He decided to help Bilbo out. And he showed him the exit. "Wait a minute" Gollum said, getting smart. "That was a rehetolicar question wasn't it, it wasn't something I was suppose to answer" Gollum said turning to Bilbo. Bilbo was getting scared, because he knew Gollum was right. He started speed walking. "WHAT'S HE GOT IN HIS POCKETESS!" Gollum screamed leaping at Bilbo. Bilbo dodged him and ran out. "BAGGGIN!" Gollum screamed from the distances.

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><p>LATER!<p>

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><p>Bilbo made it out, and ran into, Gandalf and the band of dwarves. "Where the hek where you?" asked Dori the dwarf. Bilbo began telling the whole story. The dwarves found it humorish the way Gollum was trying to guess what Bilbo was, particularly that a horse was one of his guesses. "Better then I thought happened to you" Said Therin. <em>Shows tombstone with Bilbo's name on it<em>. Bilbo took out the ring and took a good look at it. It was golden. And obviously Bilbo had no idea about its evil propose.

"This ring kind of creeps me out" Bilbo admitted. "Come on Bilbo.. It's just a silly little ring... I mean it isn't like it has extreme powers.. And was created in the hell's land of Mordor, and belonged to a horrible dark lord named Souron, and nearly thousands of years ago Souron used it to nearly rule middleearth, only for it to carze a war between Mordor, and an alliance of remaining men and Elves.. During of witch Souron himself is defeated, and lost of his great ring, and witch soon was taken by the king of me, who at the time. was over taken by arrogance thanks to the rings power, and eventually it got him randomly killed by a few Orcs.. And the ring is dropped into the deep ocean, to be lost for nine and half thousand years, only to be discovered by Smeagul and a friend of his, who ends up strangled by Smeagal, who is posioned by the rings power, and thanks to great amounts of greed and arragance transforms into Gollum, and remains that way for ever more. And at one point of his life Gollum drops it, and you find it, and after the adventure we are taking here, you keep it in the Shire, secretly, and it denies you old age... And eventually Gantalf gives it to a future nephew of yours. Named, Frodo, who ends up taking having to take Mount doom, on a journey that takes three high volumed books, and three long movies based on them" Berlin said, and everyone laughed.

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	5. Chapter 5

The gang of them where trying to escape. Goblins where chasing them and, and the Bilbo, Gandalf, and the dwarves ran up a tree. The Goblins serwanded them. And they had Wargs barking at them in the tree. "Please come down, and we will give you this candy bar" Said a Goblin, showing a chocolate candy bar.

Bomber tempted to run towards the candy bar with childish laugh, but the others stopped him. None of them would budge from the tree. The Goblins started burning it down. And where chanting around the fire.

**Fifteen birds on fire fir trees,**

**Their feathers were fanned in fiery breeze,**

**But, funny little birds, they had no wings!**

**O what shall we do with these funny little things?**

**Roast'em alive, or stew them in a pot;**

**Fry them, oil them and eat them hot**

"Go away little boys, this isn't bird nesting time, and naughty boys that play with fire, shall get punished" Gandalf mocked. And he used his wand and light a Warg on fire. And it slowly died. Suddenly an eagle came and saved Gandalf and them. Much to the disappointment of the Goblins

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	6. Chapter 6

PART 6

The eagles lead them to Berogs, house. After meeting them all. Berog invited them for dinner, and let them sleep over.

THAT NIGHT!

Gandalf was woken up by Bilbo. "There's a bear outside" Bilbo said nervously. "So?" Gandalf asked tiredly. "So, I'm afraid it might come out and kill me" Bilbo replied. "Bilbo, why dose your constant paranoia lead you to fear everything?" Gandalf asked. "NAME ONE TIME!" Bilbo cried angrily.

(FLASHBACKS)

_JOING YEARLY FIRE WORKS: THOSE THINGS WILL COME DOWN AND BURN ME!_

_FIRST TIME, HE MET GANDALF: _

_Gandalf: Why are you backing away like that?_

_Bilbo: Because I'm afraid that pointy, hat your wearing, and the stick is even worse_

_EARILER ON THE BURNING TREE: WE ARE GOING TO DIE!_

_STARING AT TREE: AAAAAAHHHHH! (runs away)_

_HITS FOOT ON SMALL ROCK: OH GOD! I'M BLEEDING TO DEATH!_

_GANDALF: Relax, your not even cut_

_SEEING SELF IN MIRROR: AAAAHHH! THE FACE OF EVIL!_

(CURRENT TIME)

"Oh ya (nervous giggle), that" Bilbo replied.

THE NEXT DAY!

They containued on their journey


	7. Chapter 7

The gang were traveling through a huge forest. At one point Gandalf said it was time for them to continue without him. The dwarves groaned. "Are you seriously leaving us, with, HIM!" Dori said pointing to Bilbo who was yelling at a tree. "HEY! I TOLD YOU TO STOP! STOP DAMN YOU!" Bilbo screamed at it.

"He'll become trustworthy, I promise" Gandalf said.

_(Bilbo angrily punched the tree in the backgroud)._

"Are you serious?" Bomber asked. "Yes" Gandalf replied

_(Bilbo was shown in the background, screaming and holding his injured hand, while running in panicked cycles)._

"Do we really have to fall through with this?" Berlin groaned.

_(In the background Bilbo knocked into the tree and laid uncurious)._

"Yes you do" Gandalf told them. The dwarves groaned again. "But truth be told he's kind of a wimp" Bomber said, then saw a small flower and screamed in fear.

"He's smarter than you think" Gandalf said.

The Dweaves weren't convinced.

Bilbo came to view, and asked what was going on.

and the dwarves told him Gandalf was leaving. "DON'T YOU DARE, LAND A SINGLE PEDIS, AWAY FROM THE MONOCOTYLEDONOUS GREEN PLANTED GROUND, OF THIS EARTHLY ENVIRMENT!" Bilbo cried (I actually looked up the complicated ways of saying foot and grass for Bilbo to use in that sentence).

The dwarves looked at each other stunned. Bilbo containued speaking in complicated words, having the dwarves in need of their dictionaries. "As I said he's smarted then you think" Gandalf said. "I can scratch my brain" Bilbo said picking his nose. Gandalf sighed in annoyance.

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><p>LATER!<p>

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><p>Bilbo and the dwarves eventually came into a large cave. Were eventually all the dwarves were captured by giant spiders, all except Bilbo. Who fought them off using his sword, which he named Sting. Bilbo fought his way throughout the spooky cave, killing any spiders in his path. And eventually found and recued the dwarves. Who each thanked him for saving their lives. But the danger wasn't over yet. They found themselves trapped by a large amount of the spiders. The dwarves large sticks, or whatever they could, and so the battle had started. Therein ended up smashing a toilet at a spider, because it was there for whatever reason. And Bomber used Dori as a weapon, even though Dori was yelling at him about it. Bilbo was the only one with a REAL weapon. Other then Berlin, Fili, and Ori, who happened to find small knives. After a long tiring battle. They made it out.<p>

And contained their journey.

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	8. Chapter 8

**I'll skip to the dragon, because I have no ideas for anything before..**

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><p>Bilbo and dwarves arrived in a cave. Bilbo was forced to search through it. Eventually Bilbo stammered aporn the dragon known as Smaug.<p>

Smaug saw Bilbo.

'just stay calm' Bilbo thought.

"What are you doing inside my home?" Smaug asked in a non threatening tone.

Despite this, Bilbo broke down, out of fear.

"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME! I CAN TELL JOKES!" He cried.

"Alright" Smaug said seeming interested.

Bilbo used a SpongeBob line. "What do call a snail on a ship, A SNAILER!" Bilbo cried and started laughing at his own lame joke.

"OH MY GOD! THAT WAS TERRIBLE!" Smaug cried angrily.

"I'm going take out my sudden anger by destorying the nearby village" Smaug cried and flew off.

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><p>LATER!<p>

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><p>Smaug, with his mrw found anger, was destroying the village.<p>

The soldiers threw a bunch of black arrows at him, nbut all had missed.

However.

Shortly shortly, Smaug had a random heart attack died anyway.

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><p>MUSH LATER!<p>

The villagers told that Smaug was dead. "But why did he have a heart attack?" Bomber asked. "Who cares the danger is gone" Berlin said. "WELL I'M STILL FAT!" Bomber cried angrily.

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	9. Chapter 9

PART 9

A FEW MONTHS LATER!

Bilbo was finally back home. And he was extremely relived and he was extremely relived to have nothing else to worry about. Suddenly there was a knock his door. Bilbo saw a small child. "Hi, I'm Frodo, I'm your grandson". Bilbo screamed in fear, calming it was WORSE than all that happened, clearly he isn't ready to be a family.

THE END!


End file.
